Through a reliable but anonymous source, Evil Skippy at Work has obtained confidential, sealed transcripts from the trial of Peppermint the Elf vs. Kris Kringle (aka Santa Claus). We withheld publication of this startling information until now so as not to spoil the holidays for any of our more sensitive followers. WARNING: Some parts of this post may not be appropriate for all environments.
UNOFFICIAL OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT:
Judge: You! In the jury. Recess is over. We are still here in the matter of Peppermint the Elf vs. Kristopher Kringle aka Santa Clause.
Counsel: Are you sure you are ready to continue, Ms. Elf? Your testimony this morning was quite emotional. [Glares at Santa]. Sit on your lap indeed.
Peppermint: (Sniffling) I think so. I’ll try.
Counsel: You are so brave. Earlier, you described in chilling detail how you tried to stop Mr. Kringle’s illegal, unethical and downright creepy activities. The way he compensated worker elves with cookies instead of the minimum wage. Re-gifted cookies!
Peppermint: Some even had bites out of them. His bites!
Counsel: Did he even give the elves a bit of milk?
Peppermint: No! Not a drop! When one of us asked for milk, he said “If you want milk, you can jingle my bells! (Breaks down and sobs)
Santa: What the f –
Judge: Order! Order! You can’t say f*** in my courtroom here. Please, Counsel. Proceed.
Counsel: Peppermint, please tell the jury — is it true you tried to stop Santa from spreading toxic waste in residential neighborhoods across America?
Santa: Toxic? It was just reindeer poo – it’s organic!
Counsel: Your Honor. Would you please instruct the defendant not to interrupt?
Judge: So instructed. Zip it, Santa.
[Santa sits, muttering]
Counsel: What was that? Did you just call the judge a ho? Three times? Don’t say anything. You’ve said enough already. I’ll go on. Peppermint, what did Santa say when you tried to stop an environmental catastrophe?
Peppermint: He said I might think I have seen shit fly before, but I had not seen anything yet if I squealed. He said if I were naughty, he wouldn’t be nice.
Counsel: Did he threaten you with anything specific?
Peppermint: He said — he said he would put me on the shelf. (sobs)
Counsel: You poor, poor thing. In your complaint, you say you want to protect the children. Protect them from what?
Peppermint: (Points at Santa) Him! He keeps asking them to sit on his lap and tell him if they’ve been naughty. Or niiiiice. The way he said it, the way he patted them — it gives me chills. And then there were the times he made sure the children were watching when he made out with their mommies. He did it under the mistletoe, at night.
Counsel: I want to direct your attention to the night of the official 2018 Santa’s Workshop Party.
Peppermint: Do we have to?
Counsel: I am afraid so. This will be difficult for many jurors to hear. Isn’t it true that Santa pressured underage elves to engage in inappropriate conduct?
Peppermint: It was awful. He roofied their egg nog and then made them take North Pole Dance Lessons.
Counsel: And did you or did you not walk in on Santa engaged in illegal activity?
Peppermint: He was whipping Vixen and Blixen with a riding crop and watching porn.
Counsel: And what did you hear Santa shout, right after you walked in?
Peppermint: I – I—I can’t.
Counsel: Allow me. Didn’t he scream — HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS! HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS. RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUS LANE. Vixen and Blixen and all the reindeer pullin’ on the reins?
Judge: (Bangs gavel) That’s animal abuse! Add that to the list!
Counsel: And didn’t he shout, HANG YOUR STOCKINGS AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS –
Peppermint and Counsel: ‘CAUSE SANTA COMES TONIGHT.
Santa: Just a damn minute —
Judge: Order! Order! I will clear the courtroom if I have to.
Counsel: Peppermint, tell the court about the day you found Santa’s laboratory,. His secret laboratory.
Peppermint: He was doing medical experiments on the reindeer. He actually gave one of them a nose transplant.
Peppermint: Yes! He’s the one,. He wanted Rudolph’s nose to glow.
Counsel: Red! Like the devil! Santa — Satan?? You probably expect us to call that a coincidence, Kringle?
Judge: I’ve heard enough. You’re guilty. Guilty, guilty guilty. Ten years!
Santa: But this isn’t a criminal case.
Judge: Contempt of court! Eleven years! Bailiff — take him away! This court is adjourned. Where’s my egg nog?
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