An anonymous source sent evidence to Evil Skippy @ Work about one of the biggest cover-ups never to see the light of day – until now. This is the first in a series of posts about one of the biggest breaking news stories of 2019: “The Santa Scandals.” We start with this confidential email to Santa Claus from North Pole International’s Human Resources Director dated December 25, 2018. It was recently leaked to [email protected] by an anonymous but reputable source.
Congratulations on your anniversary with North Pole Holidays, International Inc. Everyone here appreciates your many contributions. Thanks to your hard work, you have become a de facto symbol of all we do this time of year.
The joy of this happy occasion makes it all the more difficult for me to inform you that NPH is looking into complaints about your conduct. We direct you to report to our offices on Monday morning at 9:30 to meet with the private investigator we have hired to determine the validity of the allegations against you. We realize you just completed a very busy work cycle, so we will do all in our power to expedite this review.
The investigator will be looking into the following:
- Elves at our North Pole Workshop report that you do not comply with applicable minimum wage and overtime regulations. They claim that you require excessive hours and then pay them only with a subsistence level of milk and cookies. The elves also report multiple safety violations, primarily involving emergency exits blocked by wrapped toys and exposure to glue fumes.
- Several customers report that you encourage minors to sit on your lap and “tell how bad they’ve been.”
- Many youngsters reported in tears that they saw you trying to kiss their mothers underneath the mistletoe last night.
- Hundreds of municipalities reported you for reckless driving and for dumping toxic waste (reindeer excrement) on residential neighborhoods and in public water supplies. One town says your reckless driving resulted in the Christmas Eve death of a grandma.
- The ASPCA reports that you are under investigation for animal cruelty (working animals nearly to death; medical experiments to make noses glow bright red; allowing reindeer to harass others by laughing and calling each other names).
- Several law enforcement agencies notified us that a warrant has been issued for your arrest due to Breaking and Entering at millions of residences.
- NPH received over 5,000 citations for your illegal and unsafe sleigh parking.
- We have multiple reports of disrespectful behavior towards women. There are assertions that you repeatedly shout “Ho!” at women, particularly those traveling in threes. One elf complains that you kept asking if she wanted to “jingle” your “bells” and to look at your “bowl of jelly.”
We are concerned that this is just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, there is a letter from the FAA sitting on my desk right now that I am afraid to open.
Please be on time for your meeting with the investigator. We would like to resolve these issues as soon as possible, hopefully within twelve days.
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