This news may come as a shock to the millions hundreds of thousands several who have placed Evil Skippy on the type of pedestal usually reserved for life-saving heroes, reality show stars or celebrities with really good abs: but Evil Skippy is just like you. He has a Holiday Wish List. In fact, he has several. Here’s the first.
Evil Skippy’s Wishes for Every Office – The Harassment Edition
I wish that:
- Every person who says, “Don’t listen if you’re easily offended” would get their lips stapled shut.
- Every person who files a complaint every single time something minor bugs them would find a best friend to give them love and affection so they will stop being royal pains in the neck at work. That best friend could be a hamster for all I care.
- Any company that has no harassment policy would sell its mimeographs, spittoons and other artifacts from a bygone era and pay a consultant to draft one for them.
- Any supervisor who is not certain whether or not the company has a harassment policy would find out and then slap themselves for not already knowing. And post the slap on YouTube.
- Trainers who bore employees during Harassment Prevention Training would have to sit through their own class. Ten times in a row every day for a month.
- The trainer who once told me (and the rest of the employees at the law firm where I was working at the time) that men are incapable of stopping themselves from harassing women would call me up and apologize for being such a dolt back then.
- I had a dime for every time a person accused of harassment told me, “I was just joking around.”
- Over-use of cologne and perfume actually did count as harassment.
- Evil Skippy goes viral and no H.R. or management conference is considered a “Must Attend Event” unless he is appearing. For a fee.
- This year will be the first year I do not get a call about a holiday-party-gone-wrong after Mistletoe meets the Wine Coolers.