- Hum. Constantly.
- If you think it, go ahead and say it.
- Be ready at any time to provide complete and specific details about your last surgery/root canal/colonoscopy.
- Eat more fish. Microwave it in the lunchroom.
- At the end of meetings when the leader asks if there are any final questions, have two or three long ones ready. Ask follow-ups.
- Reply “That’s what YOU say!” whenever someone wishes you a good morning.
- Stop bathing or wear a lot of cologne. Or both.
- If you notice a co-worker managing to sneak out a little early, shout “Leaving already, Bob? Bye!” (If your co-worker’s name is not Bob, improvise. You can do it.)
- Clip your nails while sitting at your desk – your toe nails.
- Always pause for three full seconds before the last word when you say “You like nice today.”
This news may come as a shock to the millions hundreds of thousands several who have placed Evil Skippy on the type of pedestal usually reserved for life-saving heroes, reality show stars or celebrities with really good abs: but Evil Skippy is just like you. He has a Holiday Wish List. In fact, he has several. Here’s the first.
Evil Skippy’s Wishes for Every Office – The Harassment Edition
I wish that:
- Every person who says, “Don’t listen if you’re easily offended” would get their lips stapled shut.
- Every person who files a complaint every single time something minor bugs them would find a best friend to give them love and affection so they will stop being royal pains in the neck at work. That best friend could be a hamster for all I care.
- Any company that has no harassment policy would sell its mimeographs, spittoons and other artifacts from a bygone era and pay a consultant to draft one for them.
- Any supervisor who is not certain whether or not the company has a harassment policy would find out and then slap themselves for not already knowing. And post the slap on YouTube.
- Trainers who bore employees during Harassment Prevention Training would have to sit through their own class. Ten times in a row every day for a month.
- The trainer who once told me (and the rest of the employees at the law firm where I was working at the time) that men are incapable of stopping themselves from harassing women would call me up and apologize for being such a dolt back then.
- I had a dime for every time a person accused of harassment told me, “I was just joking around.”
- Over-use of cologne and perfume actually did count as harassment.
- Evil Skippy goes viral and no H.R. or management conference is considered a “Must Attend Event” unless he is appearing. For a fee.
- This year will be the first year I do not get a call about a holiday-party-gone-wrong after Mistletoe meets the Wine Coolers.
I was in an actual bookstore recently and saw rows of books about how to be a great parent. I did not see a single book about how to be a great co-worker. Parenting is important, but awful co-workers have had more impacts on me (and people I know) than bad parenting. I’m surprised there are not volumes filled with expert advice to help each of us find a way to be great at being a co-worker.
I’m too lazy to write an entire book at the moment, but here’s a start.
Evil Skippy’s 10 Ways to be a Great Co-Worker
- Say “Good morning” or somehow acknowledge your co-workers when you meet at the start of the workday, but don’t make a production out of it. A few minor connections like those help to create a positive “vibe” throughout the workplace. It’s also proper etiquette, so it’s a double win.
- Remember — just because you are in a bad mood does not mean that you have to be a carrier. Don’t spread the mood around.
- Do not let any sounds other than talking come from your body.
- Stand up for the underdogs who deserve a champion. If you are the underdog, try to toughen up and hit your stride. You can do it.
- Do your job. Duh.
- Save your cologne or perfume for a special occasion. If you think work is a special occasion, get therapy.
- Help out with others’ work when help is needed, but do not be a sap about it. You can’t do another person’s job for them, but it’s great to give (or receive) a little help when everything goes crazy.
- Do not ever notice a co-worker’s weight gain but be ready to acknowledge any amount of weight loss if given the slightest encouragement to do so.
- Do not be a jerk. You don’t have to like everyone, but you should treat all of your co-workers as if you like them.
- Use the comment box below to add your own ways to be a great co-worker. Spreading your wisdom makes you a great co-worker and, by the merest of coincidences, also provides me with this Number Ten.