Dear Loyal Readers (and the rest of you):
Nothing says “Happy New Year” quite like an Evil Skippy Classic for your reading enjoyment. Feel free to steal if you still need a resolution.
During my years as a manager and as an employment attorney, I reviewed thousands of performance evaluations. This was one of the many causes of my need for intense therapy. Based on those reviews, I think the most neglected section of performance evaluations is “Goals and Objectives.” More often than not, that section is either blank or bland (“Concentrate more!”; “Stay as great as you are!” Blech.)
Despite the common neglect, there can be entertainment gold when employees and managers apply candor and honesty to their goal statements. Goals are first-cousins to New Year’s Resolutions, so to celebrate the dawn of a new day here are ten memorable (and real) resolutions that I have come across over the years. Names have been changed to protect me from getting sued.
- I will do my best not to think about strangling my co-workers.
- When I make mistakes, I will stop blaming my co-workers unless I have photographic proof that I’m right.
- I will spend more time thinking about goals before my next evaluation.
- I will make sure all of my employees complete the mandatory customer service courses within six months even if it requires kidnapping.
- If I am required to attend meetings, I will suppress my tendency to roll my eyes when time is wasted with inane questions.
- I will stop replying with “Of course you are” when new employees say, “Pleased to meet you.”
- I will only pick my teeth or floss when I am certain no one else can see me.
- When I am driving a company vehicle and am getting frustrated at other drivers, I will avoid every colorful phrase I heard while serving in the U.S. Navy.
- If I ever feel tempted to tell one of “those” jokes again, I will pretend that my grandmother is standing in the room and glaring at me.
- I will read Evil Skippy at Work every day.
O.K., I made up that last one. But it’s a good one.
Speaking of resolutions – what are yours? Especially the fun ones.
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