Evil Skippy At Work

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My Employees Are Fighting About Kobe Bryant

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Dear Evil Skippy:

Do you have any advice for me as a supervisor for when news events disrupt the workplace? Two people who report to me are now mad at each other because of their different opinions about whether or not Kobe Bryant is a hero. Now they barely speak to one another and the whole workplace is tense. I don’t want to prohibit conversations about news events but I also don’t want a mini-war in the office. What would you do to calm down the situation?

— Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

I’d add Xanax to everyone’s coffee. (You, however, should not do that. The HIPPPPAAA and FDA implications are tremendous).

Next, I would try to get everyone focused on a new trendy topic. Like Coronavirus and whether anyone is feeling a little ill.

Your big problem here is you. You are a supervisor, so supervise. Tell your employees to shut up, grow up and start doing their jobs. They can get worked up about the news on their own time.

— Evil Skippy

When you address this matter with your agitated workers – and you better address it immediately – take pains to treat both employees in the same way. No matter what their opinion about Kobe Bryant might be, your employees need to treat each other with mutual respect. They don’t need to be friends and they do not need to actually respect one another, but they do have to behave respectfully. It is your job to make that expectation clear and then to make sure your employees conform to what you expect. If they don’t, it is time to take them for a ride on the Corrective Action Express.

Would you like to have Jim and/or Evil Skippy speak at your conference and seminar? For information (or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer), use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar. Please follow us on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

How Do You Handle Dumb Questions During Training?

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Dear Evil Skippy:

How do you handle dumb questions when you are the trainer? Please tell me you are not one of those people who says there are no dumb questions.

— S.K.

Dear S.K.:

I love dumb questions because they are the kind I can answer.  Even better are the fake questions (the dolt just wants to show how smart they are) that make me want to slap the irritating, over-achieving show-offs who ask them.

If it’s a truly idiotic question, home run!  I have someone to mock throughout the rest of the session and they have to be good sports about it unless they want everyone to think they have no sense of humor.  I call that a win (for me, anyway).

— Evil Skippy

I actually can’t recall being asked a question during training that I thought was “dumb”. There were some that were annoying because it was clear the person had not been paying attention to what had already been covered or they waltzed into class late and then wanted to go over what they missed. Others are annoying for the reason mentioned by ES – it’s obvious the people just want to show off how rather than move the discussion along.

Whether a question is good or not so good, I answer it and move on. I act as if the question is a serious one, but only give it the amount of time and attention it warrants based on the points I want the class members to learn. In some cases, that is not much time at all. There have been a few times when I have to take defensive measures to get a questioner under control. In those situations, I suddenly can’t see the person’s hand in the air or that they are trying to make eye contact with me.  This usually takes care of the Annoying Question Person, but sometimes I have to be persistent.

For the more difficult cases, it’s Taser Time. Check the batteries before class starts. Trust me.

Would you like to have Jim and/or Evil Skippy speak at your conference and seminar? For information (or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer), use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar. Please follow us on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

Are Snow Days Unfair To Telecommuters?

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Dear Evil Skippy:

This week, my employer closed our office for the day due to snow.  It was the day when I telecommute every week.  My boss said I should do my regular work even though the office was not open.  I told him that it is not fair that my co-workers got to take a day off without it counting as an absence while I had to work.  He basically told me life’s not fair and that was that. Other than slapping him, what would you do?

—  Feels Cheated

Dear Feels Cheated:

I’d tell my inner child to stop making snow angels and make my outer adult start working.  You’re being a baby.  Cinch up your robe, make some hot chocolate and do your job.

Then, send a bunch of “urgent” work emails to your co-workers so they are buried with projects when they return to the office.

—  Evil Skippy

The whole point of closing a workplace or school due to weather is safety, including the safety of people who would otherwise have to commute in dangerous conditions.  It’s not a holiday or some sort of perk (except to employees but what do they know?)

If it makes you feel better, some of your co-workers probably think it is unfair that you get to telecommute when they have to go into the office when it isn’t snowing.  Snow days are just once in a while, but you get to telecommute every week.  You win.

Would you like to have Jim and/or Evil Skippy speak at your conference and seminar? For information (or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer), use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  Please follow us on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

I Resolved To Quit My Job – AND – ES’s Top Ten Resignations

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Dear Evil Skippy:

Happy 2020. I resolved to quit my awful job. I want to put it in writing because a mere conversation won’t be enough. Please give me pointers about what should be included in a resignation letter?  “I quit” seems insufficient.

—  Resigning Soon

Dear RS:

You obviously have revenge on your mind (as opposed to mere communication), so my No. 1 Pointer is to include some itching powder and a bunch of glitter with the letter – the kind that resists brooms and vacuums.

          — Evil Skippy

Greta Thunberg would not approve of that glitter, but she is miles away. Maybe leave out the itching powder unless your goal is to also create an anthrax scare and get arrested for domestic terrorism. But hey. I don’t know you. Make your choices.

At a minimum, a resignation letter should provide adequate notice about your plans (your professional plans) so your employer can make a decision about when and how to fill your position (and cover your work load until they find a replacement).  The “standard” notice is two weeks, but more (or less) notice may be appropriate in your particular situation.  Leaving gracefully shows you are professional and increases the likelihood that your ex-boss will speak positively about you (or at least neutrally) in the future. It’s also good karma.

A resignation letter is not the time to vent. If you have a complaint, write about it in a separate letter or talk to someone as part of your exit process (whether or not your company conducts formal exit interviews). On the other hand, if you have had a positive experience working with this employer, a resignation letter is a fine time to include a brief expression of appreciation.

Here’s an example:

Dear Boss:

It has been a privilege to work for Evil Skippy Productions for the past two years. This letter is my two-week notice. My last working day will be January 31, 2014. I am grateful for the valuable experience that I gained while working here.

Respectfully,

Quitter

Now that you know how to resign, enjoy ES’s first official Top Ten of 2020 —  what not to do or say when you resign (yes, these are real):

  1. Don’t write, “So long suckers” on the conference room white board during a meeting right before you vanish with no other explanation.
  2. Do not super-glue your resignation letter to your manager’s desk.
  3. Don’t rant about how much you hate being a flight attendant and then exit via the plane’s emergency chute.  
  4. Do not paint your message on your manager’s car.
  5. Do not write your message in Klingon. 
  6. Do not emergency stop the elevator between floors in order to have a private audience with your boss.
  7. Do not close the message with an invitation to dinner and a movie “since the fraternization rules will no longer apply” and “you both know” that it is just a “matter of time” until you “act on the obvious mutual attraction”.
  8. Do not use crayon.
  9. Do not compare your current employment to your experiences living under the Nazi regime in occupied Poland.
  10. Do not suggest that your boss “watch his back.”

Readers – what are some memorable resignations that you’ve witnessed or heard about?

Would you like to have Jim and/or Evil Skippy speak at your conference and seminar? For information (or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer), use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  Please follow us on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

Ten Memorable Resolutions

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Dear Loyal Readers (and the rest of you):

Nothing says “Happy New Year” quite like an Evil Skippy Classic for your reading enjoyment. Feel free to steal if you still need a resolution.

Happy 2020!

— Jim

During my years as a manager and as an employment attorney, I reviewed thousands of performance evaluations. This was one of the many causes of my need for intense therapy. Based on those reviews, I think the most neglected section of performance evaluations is “Goals and Objectives.” More often than not, that section is either blank or bland (“Concentrate more!”; “Stay as great as you are!” Blech.)

Despite the common neglect, there can be entertainment gold when employees and managers apply candor and honesty to their goal statements. Goals are first-cousins to New Year’s Resolutions, so to celebrate the dawn of a new day here are ten memorable (and real) resolutions that I have come across over the years. Names have been changed to protect me from getting sued.

  1. I will do my best not to think about strangling my co-workers.
  2. When I make mistakes, I will stop blaming my co-workers unless I have photographic proof that I’m right.
  3. I will spend more time thinking about goals before my next evaluation.
  4. I will make sure all of my employees complete the mandatory customer service courses within six months even if it requires kidnapping.
  5. If I am required to attend meetings, I will suppress my tendency to roll my eyes when time is wasted with inane questions.
  6. I will stop replying with “Of course you are” when new employees say, “Pleased to meet you.”
  7. I will only pick my teeth or floss when I am certain no one else can see me.
  8. When I am driving a company vehicle and am getting frustrated at other drivers, I will avoid every colorful phrase I heard while serving in the U.S. Navy.
  9. If I ever feel tempted to tell one of “those” jokes again, I will pretend that my grandmother is standing in the room and glaring at me.
  10. I will read Evil Skippy at Work every day.

O.K., I made up that last one. But it’s a good one.

Speaking of resolutions – what are yours? Especially the fun ones.

Would you like to have Jim and/or Evil Skippy speak at your conference and seminar? For information (or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer), use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  Please follow us on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

The Santa Scandals: Part Two

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Through a reliable but anonymous source, Evil Skippy at Work has obtained confidential, sealed transcripts from the trial of Peppermint the Elf vs. Kris Kringle (aka Santa Claus). We withheld publication of this startling information until now so as not to spoil the holidays for any of our more sensitive followers. WARNING: Some parts of this post may not be appropriate for all environments.

UNOFFICIAL OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT:

Judge: You! In the jury. Recess is over. We are still here in the matter of Peppermint the Elf vs. Kristopher Kringle aka Santa Clause. 

Counsel: Are you sure you are ready to continue, Ms. Elf? Your testimony this morning was quite emotional. [Glares at Santa].  Sit on your lap indeed.

Peppermint: (Sniffling) I think so. I’ll try.

Counsel: You are so brave. Earlier, you described in chilling detail how you tried to stop Mr. Kringle’s illegal, unethical and downright creepy activities.  The way he compensated worker elves with cookies instead of the minimum wage. Re-gifted cookies!

Peppermint: Some even had bites out of them. His bites!

Counsel:  Did he even give the elves a bit of milk?

Peppermint: No! Not a drop! When one of us asked for milk, he said “If you want milk, you can jingle my bells! (Breaks down and sobs)

Santa: What the f –

Judge: Order! Order! You can’t say f*** in my courtroom here. Please, Counsel. Proceed.

Counsel:  Peppermint, please tell the jury — is it true you tried to stop Santa from spreading toxic waste in residential neighborhoods across America?

Santa: Toxic? It was just reindeer poo – it’s organic!

Counsel: Your Honor. Would you please instruct the defendant not to interrupt?  

Judge: So instructed. Zip it, Santa.

[Santa sits, muttering]

Counsel: What was that? Did you just call the judge a ho? Three times? Don’t say anything. You’ve said enough already. I’ll go on. Peppermint, what did Santa say when you tried to stop an environmental catastrophe?

Peppermint: He said I might think I have seen shit fly before, but I had not seen anything yet if I squealed. He said if I were naughty, he wouldn’t be nice. 

Counsel:  Did he threaten you with anything specific?

Peppermint: He said  — he said he would put me on the shelf. (sobs)

Counsel: You poor, poor thing. In your complaint, you say you want to protect the children. Protect them from what?

Peppermint: (Points at Santa) Him! He keeps asking them to sit on his lap and tell him if they’ve been naughty. Or niiiiice. The way he said it, the way he patted them — it gives me chills. And then there were the times he made sure the children were watching when he made out with their mommies. He did it under the mistletoe, at night.

Counsel: I want to direct your attention to the night of the official 2018 Santa’s Workshop Party.

Peppermint: Do we have to?

Counsel: I am afraid so. This will be difficult for many jurors to hear.  Isn’t it true that Santa pressured underage elves to engage in inappropriate conduct?

Peppermint: It was awful. He roofied their egg nog and then made them take North Pole Dance Lessons. 

Counsel: And did you or did you not walk in on Santa engaged in illegal activity? 

Peppermint: He was whipping Vixen and Blixen with a riding crop and watching porn. 

Counsel:  And what did you hear Santa shout, right after you walked in?

Peppermint:  I – I—I can’t.

Counsel: Allow me. Didn’t he scream — HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS! HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS. RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUS LANE. Vixen and Blixen and all the reindeer pullin’ on the reins?

Judge: (Bangs gavel) That’s animal abuse! Add that to the list!

Counsel: And didn’t he shout, HANG YOUR STOCKINGS AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS – 

Peppermint and Counsel: ‘CAUSE SANTA COMES TONIGHT.

Santa: Just a damn minute —

Judge: Order! Order! I will clear the courtroom if I have to.

Counsel: Peppermint, tell the court about the day you found Santa’s laboratory,. His secret laboratory.

Peppermint: He was doing medical experiments on the reindeer. He actually gave one of them a nose transplant.

Counsel: Rudolph?

Peppermint: Yes! He’s the one,. He wanted Rudolph’s nose to glow.

Counsel:  Red?

Peppermint: Red!

Counsel: Red! Like the devil! Santa — Satan?? You probably expect us to call that a coincidence, Kringle?

Judge: I’ve heard enough. You’re guilty. Guilty, guilty guilty. Ten years!

Santa: But this isn’t a criminal case.

Judge: Contempt of court! Eleven years!  Bailiff — take him away! This court is adjourned. Where’s my egg nog?

[TRANSCRIPT ENDS]

Would you like to have Jim and/or Evil Skippy speak at your conference and seminar? For information (or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer), use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  Please follow us on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

Getting Through The Holidays At Work Without Offending The Dolts

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Dear Evil Skippy:

What is your advice for employers who want to put up holiday decorations, but don’t want to generate employee complaints about (a) too much or (b) not enough religion? Last year, the “happy holidays” display resulted in a few complaints that we were ignoring Christmas and the year before we had complaints that “Merry Christmas” was “too Christian”. What can we do to prevent these complaints but still have fun during festive times?

— Manager

Dear Manager:

Stop hiring nitwits and try hiring actual grown ups.

— Evil Skippy

And a “Ho ho ho” to you.

In my opinion, a “happy holidays” approach is great for workplaces. It covers all the season’s bases and focuses on the non-denominational aspects of the various ways us human beings celebrate. I have never thought of “happy holidays” as a way of excluding Christmas or any other day. At the same time, saying “Merry Christmas” at work is perfectly fine – it is a holiday greeting, not an attempt to proselytize or start a spontaneous worship service.

The key for WORKPLACES is to avoid ramming religion (or anti-religion) down anyone’s theoretical throat. That means don’t try to make anyone pray and don’t say things such as “Let’s celebrate the blessed birth of our Lord and Savior” — while you are at work or at work events. (Just to be clear – you can go ahead and say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Hanukkah” or other similarly general holiday sentiment). This is not a workplace war on Christmas or Hannukkah. It is a way to be respectful where other people may not (and probably do not) share your precise religious/non-religious beliefs.

Readers – what would you advise today’s manager?

Would you like to have Jim and/or Evil Skippy speak at your conference and seminar? For information (or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer), use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  Please follow us on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

The Santa Scandals: Part One

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An anonymous source sent evidence to Evil Skippy @ Work about one of the biggest cover-ups never to see the light of day – until now. This is the first in a series of posts about one of the biggest breaking news stories of 2019: “The Santa Scandals.” We start with this confidential email to Santa Claus from North Pole International’s Human Resources Director dated December 25, 2018.  It was recently leaked to [email protected] by an anonymous but reputable source.

Congratulations on your anniversary with North Pole Holidays, International Inc. Everyone here appreciates your many contributions. Thanks to your hard work, you have become a de facto symbol of all we do this time of year. 

The joy of this happy occasion makes it all the more difficult for me to inform you that NPH is looking into complaints about your conduct. We direct you to report to our offices on Monday morning at 9:30 to meet with the private investigator we have hired to determine the validity of the allegations against you.  We realize you just completed a very busy work cycle, so we will do all in our power to expedite this review. 

The investigator will be looking into the following:

  1. Elves at our North Pole Workshop report that you do not comply with applicable minimum wage and overtime regulations. They claim that you require excessive hours and then pay them only with a subsistence level of milk and cookies. The elves also report multiple safety violations, primarily involving emergency exits blocked by wrapped toys and exposure to glue fumes. 
  2. Several customers report that you encourage minors to sit on your lap and “tell how bad they’ve been.” 
  3. Many youngsters reported in tears that they saw you trying to kiss their mothers underneath the mistletoe last night.
  4. Hundreds of municipalities reported you for reckless driving and for dumping toxic waste (reindeer excrement) on residential neighborhoods and in public water supplies. One town says your reckless driving resulted in the Christmas Eve death of a grandma.
  5. The ASPCA reports that you are under investigation for animal cruelty (working animals nearly to death; medical experiments to make noses glow bright red; allowing reindeer to harass others by laughing and calling each other names).
  6. Several law enforcement agencies notified us that a warrant has been issued for your arrest due to Breaking and Entering at millions of residences.
  7. NPH received over 5,000 citations for your illegal and unsafe sleigh parking.
  8. We have multiple reports of disrespectful behavior towards women. There are assertions that you repeatedly shout “Ho!” at women, particularly those traveling in threes.  One elf complains that you kept asking if she wanted to “jingle” your “bells” and to look at your “bowl of jelly.”

We are concerned that this is just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, there is a letter from the FAA sitting on my desk right now that I am afraid to open.

Please be on time for your meeting with the investigator. We would like to resolve these issues as soon as possible, hopefully within twelve days.

                                                      Sincerely,

                                                      Human Resources

Jim is available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information (or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer), use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar. Please follow us on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

Ten Reasons Why The Workplace Should Be More Like ‘Survivor’

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Dear Evil Skippy:

My supervisor is a T.V. addict and he constantly compares our workplace to different shows. One of his favorite “learning tools” is to compare what we do to what happened on a particular program to point out how we can do it better. He’s used “Game of Thrones” and even “The Walking Dead”. Most of his examples don’t make sense and waste a lot of meeting time. Do you think it is possible to make him stop?

— Minion

Dear Minion:

Why stop him when you can beat him at his own game? Tell him you want to model your workplace on Survivor. When he asks why, give him one or more of my top ten reasons, below.

— Evil Skippy

Evil Skippy’s Top Ten Ways Work Should Be Like ‘Survivor’

  1. All sensitive conversations would be conducted while soaking in the clear water of a blue lagoon. #businesscasual
  2. The majority can vote the most irritating member of the team off the island. #blindside
  3. Immunity Idols, especially during layoff season. #ohnoyoudon’t
  4. Instead of meetings, councils are held by firelight in the pouring rain and accompanied by hungry, blood-sucking insects. That should keep them short. (I mean actual insects and not middle managers). “meetingssuck
  5. It’s O.K. to take naps while someone else does all the work because you are saving your strength for important projects. #slacker
  6. Lax dress codes. (This could have a huge downside, of course, depending on what your co-workers look like). #ewwww
  7. It’s not harassment to carry a torch. Whoops. Maybe not this one. #notyourgrandmastiki
  8. Easy documentation, thanks to all the cameras. #footinmouth
  9. Never again being annoyed because someone left wet paper towels all over the bathroom. #noplumbing
  10. No more awkward hygiene talks — because everyonestinks. #superfund

Jim is available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information (or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer), use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar. Please follow us on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

Ten Top Interview Mistakes

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I am about to start looking for a new job.  What is the biggest mistake you have seen a candidate make during an interview?

Planning

Dear Planning:

Being old.

Sincerely,

Evil Skippy

P.S. People usually ask for tips about doing well, but not you. What are you planning? To make mistakes? If so, here’s a bucket list.

Ten Top Interview Mistakes

(As seen by Evil Skippy and/or Jim)

1.  Attempted to strangle the interviewer.  (See The Day Evil Skippy Nearly Died) 

2.  Offered the interviewer a $10 bribe (when the going rate was around $25).

3.  Announced while listing accomplishments that he had never been cautioned about touching people other than that “one time”.

4.  Asked the interviewer if it is true that Seattle is a gay city because he did not want to live near a bunch of queers.  (The interviewer who happened to be gay had not announced this information to the applicant for some reason).

5.  Came to the interview estimating she could make it through the process while knowing that she had started to have labor pains.   She estimated incorrectly.

6.  When asked where he thought he would be in two years, replied “Jail.”

7.  Promised that if he was hired he would not file a lawsuit “no matter what”.

8.  Confessed mid-interview that she was nervous because she had forgotten to wear underwear.

9.  Told the interviewer that interviewing any other applicants would not be necessary because God had revealed he would be getting an offer.

10. Answered his cell phone and said, “Sure, I can talk now. What’s up?”

Jim is available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information (or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer), use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar. Please follow us on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.