Evil Skippy At Work

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The Most Effective Way To Deal With Unruly Employees

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Dear Evil Skippy:

What is the most effective way to deal with a disruptive, rude and inefficient employee (without hiring lawyers)?

— Business Owner

Dear B.O.:

By hiring a hit man.

— Evil Skippy

If you are going for effective AND legal, perhaps you could simply learn the basics of employee management and progressive discipline. I suggest “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Human Resources Management”.  In your case, I have a feeling the title would be accurate (and no, I did not get compensated for mentioning this book). I have never read it but I think anything would be an improvement for you.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

My Employee Loves Movies About Weed

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Dear Evil Skippy:

We had a department retreat last week. During one of the mixers and team building exercises, we all listed five of our favorite movies and TV shows. (The goal was to see who could match up the most movies and shows to the right person). One employee listed Half Baked, Weeds, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, Up in Smoke and Pineapple Express. Should I be concerned that this employee might be using drugs at work?

— Supervisor

Dear Supervisor:

Heck no! You should be concerned that he or she left out Reefer Madness. What’s wrong with that person?

Peace Out,

Evil Skippy

P.S. Be glad the employee didn’t list one of my favorite shows, Breaking Bad. Wouldn’t you rather worry about weed than meth?

The time to be concerned about employee drug use is when the employee appears to be under the influence of something at work. I like to watch baseball, but I can’t throw or hit. A friend of mine loves Dexter but I don’t think he is a secret serial killer. (Probably not, anyway). A person’s movie and television preference is not a basis for suspecting inappropriate workplace conduct.

In addition, I am going to suggest that you take a deep breath and ask yourself if perhaps you aren’t missing an obvious explanation — your employee was trying to get a laugh. Lighten up.

Readers — what do you say?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

The Applicant Made “Borderline” Racist Comments

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I am hiring a few customer service reps. One guy seemed great on paper and was pleasant, but during his interview he made some comments that are border-line racist regarding Hispanics. They weren’t directly hateful but they would have earned him a talking-to if he worked here. Would it be OK to hire him if I talk to him about his comments, making sure he knows not to say these things on the job? He is otherwise a great candidate.

— H.R. Manager

Dear H.R. Manager:

Hire a person who feels free to make borderline racist comments during his interview so long as he keeps his racist tendencies a secret at work? What could possible go wrong with that?

In case that was too subtle, I am calling you a dolt. Happy Double Slap Monday!

One slap to your applicant for being a jerk during his interview by making “borderline racist” comments. A second (harder) slap to you for even considering that you might hire him.

— Evil Skippy

I agree with the slaps.  If someone makes discipline-worthy comments at his interview and then gets a job offer, what have you told him about what he can get away with on the job? Especially if he makes lots of money for the company? One function of the H.R. department is to foster a workplace where everyone feels welcome – that means one where people do not make “border-line racist” comments.  You’re not doing that based on your letter.

You blew it if you hired the guy. I’m not saying so because of the applicant’s personal opinions. I’m saying so because the applicant felt free to express borderline racism during his interview. That should be a deal breaker in every hiring decision.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

Should I Have Been Disciplined For Saying “Retarded”?

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I just received a written reprimand for using the word “retarded” at work.  I admit that I have been warned twice in the past for using the phrase “That is so retarded”, but it is a lifetime habit and the phrase just pops out sometimes.  I have nothing against people with disabilities and am not trying to make fun of anyone.  It is just a word.  Do you think it is fair for my politically correct supervisor to issue written discipline over something like this?  We don’t have any disabled people working here so it is not like I am offending an actual person.

—  Not Prejudiced Or Mean

Dear NPOM:

Are you perhaps suggesting that your supervisor should just warn you forever even though the past warnings had no effect?  I think it would have been more fair if your supervisor slapped you for not taking care of the rude verbal habit on your own before she had to reprimand you. 

Buy a thesaurus.  Use the thesaurus.  You can find many ways to express criticism without resorting to “retarded”.  That is, if you can read.  You don’t seem too bright to me.

—  Evil Skippy

Based on your way of thinking, it would be fine to use the N-word in the workplace so long as no one belongs to the race in question.  That makes no sense, and neither does your defense.  In fact, your defense is backward, birdbrained, defective, dim, dopey, moronic, sappy, simple, stupid, subnormal, underachieving and weak.  (Want to borrow my thesaurus?)

One of the beauties about language is that it evolves over time.  Many words and phrases come and go in terms of popularity or disdain.  “Retarded” has evolved into a word that kind people do not use as a derisive adjective.  You should try evolving so you can break your habit.

Keep in mind that just because no one working with you has Down syndrome, people may have loved ones with that condition (or may just have more empathy than you).  In other words, you may already have offended or hurt someone.  Be a grown up, take some responsibility and break the habit for your own good.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

No One But Me Cleans The Office Microwave

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I work at an office with 37 other people. We have a common break room with a small kitchen. Therein lies my problem. The microwave oven is more of a diabolical science experiment than a cooking appliance. It is gross due to cooked on who-knows-what and the lingering miasma of burnt popcorn. When it gets bad enough that I can’t stand to heat up my lunch in it, I clean it. I am the only one. What can I do so I won’t always be the one to break down and do the cleaning?

— Madison

Dear Madison:

  1. Lower your standards and heat up your lunch no matter what lurks behind the glass door.
  2. Bring lunches that don’t require heating (or cooling for that matter since the refrigerator is probably a Superfund site just like the microwave).
  3. Eat out – but first review all of the restaurant’s health inspection records since you seem slightly squeamish.
  4. Put up one of those, “Wipe the microwave – Your mother does not work here!” signs that everyone ignores.

If none of these work, visualize your new svelte body once you start missing a meal every day.

—  Evil Skippy

P.S. I may have a crush on you. “The lingering miasma of burnt popcorn” was sheer poetry.

According to Wikipedia, refrigerators for home use were invented in 1913. Six months later, an employee at Speerman’s Farm Supply and Haberdashery in Albany, New York submitted the first documented complaint that co-workers were not doing their fair share of icebox cleaning. (None of that is true except the years. I needed filler. My point is that this complaint has been around practically forever).

Instead of nagging at your co-workers, do what I told a friend to do last year.  Go right to the top and nag at the CEO. (Substitute “HR Manager” for CEO if you aren’t yet ready for the major leagues). Say something like this:

“The microwave in the lunchroom gets so filthy that it is not useable. It makes the whole break room reek.  I have cleaned it in the past but that’s not my job and doing it takes me away from the work the company hired me to do. May I suggest that you require that the janitorial service include cleaning the kitchen appliances in their list of services? We employees don’t have to vacuum the office or clean the windows – why are we expected to clean the kitchen?”

My friend now gets to heat up her lunch in a clean microwave and she does not clean it herself. As for getting everyone to “wipe the microwave down” after each use – good luck with that.

Readers, how have you dealt with this situation?

 

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

Do Employees Want A Summer Social Or A Cash Bonus?

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I am part of a social committee at my office and we want your opinion about our options for summer events.  We were planning to have a totally catered outdoor dinner with excellent food and dancing.  A few employees said they would prefer a potluck picnic and getting a small cash bonus based on the savings from not catering.  Management said we (the committee) could do the bonus if we wanted.  Which option do you think most employees would prefer?

—  Committee Chair

Dear Chair:

Most employees would prefer that you do no social events and instead send all of the money to me.  I will send you my mailing address in a private message.  I think there is a 50-50 chance that you will fall for this since you do not seem all that bright.

There’s no way to know what your fellow employees would prefer unless you ask them.  So ask them. Duh. Don’t ask me.  I’ve never even met them.

—  Evil Skippy

Keep in mind that no matter what you do, someone is going to be annoyed. As Abraham Lincoln once said, “You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a pizza.”

Pizza.  .  .   Have a pizza party AND bonuses. Or maybe extra toppings instead of bonuses..

Readers — what do you say?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

My Co-Worker Said I Am Going Through A “Mid-Life Crisis”

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I bought a new car recently. My dream car – the Ford GT that I have lusted for since high school. One of my co-workers told me that I am probably going through a mid-life crisis.  Is that the sort of thing I should report to my Director?

— Annoyed

Dear Annoyed:

I think you should keep your mid-life crisis to yourself and not tell your boss.

— Evil Skippy

Dear Evil Skippy:

I think “Annoyed” meant, “Should I tell my boss that my co-worker said that?”

— Jim

Dear Jim:

What are you? A mind reader?

Same answer. I think “Annoyed” should keep the fact that he is over-sensitive to age cracks to himself too.

— Evil Skippy

I am going to quibble a little. If this is the only comment by your co-worker about your age (and if you are not being hit with a barrage of age jokes from other co-workers), I agree with ES and recommend that you let it go.  (I would not call you “over sensitive” since I am so polite.)

If, however, this comment is part of a pattern of conduct toward you AND if the comments are not welcome – go ahead and report what is happening. That’s what your harassment policy is for. You might also tell your co-workers that you’re tired of the jokes. If they are not a bunch of rude whipper-snappers, they should lay off.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

What Can I Do About Monday Absences?

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I have been a supervisor for six years. Every summer and holiday season, I have observed the same trend of people being “sick” on Mondays. I can almost predict who is going to call in and when. What can I do to prevent these Monday morning “I won’t be in today” calls?

— Alan

Dear Alan:

Put everyone on a Wednesday through Sunday schedule. No one will be coming in on Mondays so you won’t be getting those annoying calls. On Mondays.

— Evil Skippy

P.S. You described a pattern – a pattern of you not doing your job.  If you have not already talked to your employees about their absence patterns, consider turning in your Supervisor Badge and letting someone else be the boss.

You do need to do your job and make your company’s attendance rules a real workplace practice. Re-read (or read as the case may be) your employee handbook and all of your company’s attendance policies. If you have neither, gather up all the other supervisors, some pitchforks and a torch or two and storm the H.R. manager’s office. Demand that policies be developed immediately. Someone at your company needs to set some expectations so you can enforce them. Hopefully, no storming will be required and you have guidelines.

Once you’ve studied the policies, gather all of your team for a meeting where the sole topic will be attendance. I am serious – don’t talk about the upcoming employee picnic or the endless  “what does everyone have on their plate this week?” question. Read your attendance policies – every word.  Point out the trend in your department of Monday calls as opposed to other days of the week. (You did check the numbers to make sure your hunch about Mondays is correct, right?) Explain your expectation that people will not be absent except for acceptable reasons and explain what you will be doing in the future to verify that people do not abuse the system. (Meet with your boss and H.R. in advance to determine what the policy and practice is supposed to be at your company – don’t develop your own rules since you need to be consistent with the rest of your workplace).

Remember that calling out sick on a Monday is not automatically a bad thing.  It is a bad thing when an employee does it so much that you can predict the absence in advance because I can assure you that you do not have clairvoyant powers. If you did, you would have known what I was going to write and not bothered asking your question.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

Should I Have Been Reprimanded For One Joke About Kids In Cages?

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Dear Evil Skippy:

At a staff meeting today, several of my employees were grumbling about new work place timekeeping software. I guess I was not in the mood for whining so I told them to be glad they had a good job and weren’t immigrant kids in a cage. Someone reported this to H.R. and, after talking to me, they gave me a written reprimand for making an “inappropriate comment”.

Dumb or not, was this a discipline event? Would you have issued the reprimand or, as I predict, have told the employees to hold off on complaining until something at work is serious?

— Supervisor

Dear Supervisor:

Get a new crystal ball. Your prediction wasn’t even close. I’d slap you and then slap you again.  I’m Evil, but even I would not joke about all the babies and kids separated from their families and put into detention. 

  • Jokes about hit men and Tasers and dolts – yes.
  • Child abuse – NO.

You are a supervisor. So supervise. Just don’t make dumb comments while doing so.

—  Evil Skippy

I agree with the reprimand. Reprimands are intended to make sure that someone who broke a rule or failed to meet expectations knows what he or she did wrong so that person can correct future behavior. You did wrong. Now you know. Don’t do it again. Reprimand worked – unless you are truly dumb (you said it first) and keep saying such things at work.

Seriously – joking about incarcerated babies and children? You needed a reprimand to know better? Sheesh.

Before anyone else writes to me objecting that the kids (babies!) engaged in “illegal conduct”, may I suggest you read this and also find a new source for your news:

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

Evil Skippy Slaps “Himself”!

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Dear Evil Skippy:

If I have a sudden urge to slap myself a few times, does it mean I need psychiatric help?

— Jim

Dear Jim:

Not necessarily. It just means you have an adventurous streak. However writing to your own alter-ego does seem to be creeping toward a desperate cry for help.

— Evil Skippy

Yes, readers, it is true. I have slapped myself. It’s only fair since ES has slapped so many poor saps in the past. Here’s what happened.

On Wedensday, I presented my 2018 Harassment Prevention program to a local employer. Not to brag or anything, but I was a smash hit. Attendees were engaged; hands were clapped.  My class members asked great questions and best of all I got lots of laughs. No wonder Jim Gaffigan and Margaret Cho do what they do.  I drove home smiling, even wishing the bad drivers a nice day. Throw me your best pitch, World! I’m ready.

Be careful about tempting the World. The 90-mph pitch hit me in the face and I didn’t even get walked to First Base.

OK, I was not actually playing sports with wooden weapons and projectiles. My physician discourages such activity due to a monumental lack of skill and depth perception — I only catch baseballs by accident. Instead, I was hit by that ubiquitous tormentor of our time –  e-mail. Here is the message, with names changed to protect the innocent:

Jim,

I enjoyed very much your presentation today about harassment in the workplace.  But I have to admit one of your slides bothered me a bit, not that I was offended by it but that it seemed to undermine your presentation a little bit. 

Excuse the interruption and allow me to show you the slide:

 

 

Interruption over. Back to the e-mail:

I may have been the only one that noticed this on your slide with the dirty joke book reference but the authors of the book were Mike Oxbent and Harry P. Ness.  It may never happen that anybody complains about this but I know that if this presentation were to be given to my staff, there is one team member who would express dissatisfaction that an expert on sexual harassment would have shown a slide like this.  My apologies if this was intended to be funny but I thought it was more likely that you didn’t notice.

— Abraham Lincoln

OMG. Have you ever heard the expression, “I died a little inside”? I was water-boarded first. Slaps to me as well as an appointment with the eye doctor.

As bad as this already is, I’ve used this particular slide during the “Is It Harassment?” group exercises for YEARS and never noticed the authors’ names. Never. (I had to read the first name several times before I “got it” – and that was only because I finally read it out loud. Whoops!) It took me about 4.3 seconds to create a new slide:

 

 

So. To any previous class members who noticed the old slide and were appalled – so sorry. To any previous class members who thought, “I bet Jim has no idea. This is hysterical” – good one! You got me! To the rest of you who did not notice – move on and pretend this never happened.

The lesson here? Anyone can screw up. Some of us just do it more dramatically than others.

OK readers, I’ve confessed. Your turn. Help me heal my self-image and share times when you messed up at work in a public way. Pretty please?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.