Evil Skippy At Work

Helping make workplaces great, one snarky comment at a time.

Connect With Us

One Of My Employees Keeps Griping About Pride Parade Support

by Leave a Comment

Dear Evil Skippy:

One of the employees who I supervise complained because our company organizes a group to walk in our city’s Pride Parade every year.  He said it is unfair for us to spend resources on a special interest group.  He claims that we should not be favoring gay people when we don’t do anything special for straight people.  I told him to voice his concerns with human resources, but he keeps griping to me.  Please tell me some magic words to get him to stop.

—  Supervisor

Dear Supervisor:

Have you tried, “Shut up”?  That usually works for me.

If that’s too blunt, make a deal with the whiner.  Tell him as soon as he starts a Straight Pride Parade, the company will send a group to march. 

—  Evil Skippy

“Shut up” and sarcasm both can be satisfying when dealing with dolts, but for a more supervisory approach read Dear Evil Skippy: Make My Employee Stop Whining.  Some advice never goes stale.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

The Top Ten Ways To Remind Your Supervisor That Your Evaluation Is Late

by 2 Comments

Dear Evil Skippy:

I have worked for my employer for just over a year (since graduating from college – it is my first paying job other than part time stuff during school).  My supervisor was supposed to give me my annual evaluation three weeks ago.  Do you think it is a good idea for me to remind him?  I am anxious to hear how I am doing, but I do not want him to think I am trying to boss the boss.

—  Frank

Dear Frank:

Your boss is either a slacker or a dolt.  There is no other reason for being three weeks late with your evaluation.  He’s known ever since you were hired when the evaluation would be due.  He should have planned ahead and done everything he needed to do to make sure his work was done on time.  You deserve it and it’s his job.

Remind him?  I’d slap him. 

—  Evil Skippy

To answer your actual question – Yes.  Yes, you should remind him.  As long as you do it in a professional and calm manner, you will be fine.

Professional and calm:  “My evaluation was due on June 1st.  Can we set a time to discuss it?”

Not Professional or calm:  “Waaaah!  My evaluation is late!  Why is it so late?  I really waaaaaant it!”

Clear? If you prefer a more entertaining work environment, here are Evil Skippy’s top ten ways to remind your boss to finish your evaluation:

  1. A festive banner – placed in the boss’s own front yard where he or she will see it on the way to work in the morning.
  2. Write your own evaluation – a perfect one of course – and ask the boss to sign it.
  3. A polite note.  Taped to a rock.  Thrown.
  4. When given a deadline, ask if it is “Evaluation Deadline Time” or “Reality Time”.
  5. A singing telegram (but no strippers – it’s a workplace!)
  6. Enlist a bunch of your friends to stand on street corners along your boss’s commute route holding up big signs that say, “Evaluate Frank Now!  23 Days Late!”   Update the signs daily.
  7. Leave an anonymous note on the boss’s desk:  “I will be spitting in your coffee every day until evaluations are finished.”  (Do not do this if you are the only person expecting an evaluation or if you think your workplace would spring for DNA analysis of the coffee).
  8. Be sitting in your boss’s office when he or she arrives in the morning.  Tell the boss you are ready for your evaluation and can wait.  Then wait.
  9. Tape a copy of this post on the boss’s office door.
  10. Ask your boss’s boss to find out why it hasn’t already been done (aka the “Nuclear Option”).

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

My Co-Worker Stores Breast Milk In Our Office Refrigerator

by 6 Comments

Dear Evil Skippy:

I just found out that one of my co-workers is storing her breast milk in our office refrigerator. This grosses me out. I think management should require her to bring in a small cooler or other contraption to store the stuff during the day, but my supervisor is a woman and is taking my co-worker’s side. I don’t want to escalate this by going to human resources, but I would also like to use the refrigerator again. What can I do?

— Queasy

Dear Queasy:

You can slap yourself for giving Lactose Intolerance a bad name.

— Evil Skippy

Grow up. Breast-feeding is a fact of life and nursing moms deserve a break from immature dolts who want to pretend breast-feeding does not exist. Whatever your hang up is about this – get over it. Either that or start bringing lunches to work that do not need to be kept cold.

Personally, I would rather have twenty co-workers store some breast milk in the office refrigerator than just one person store leftover Tuna Surprise. Readers – what do you think about what’s stored in the refrigerator at work?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

I Came Back To Work Under The Influence

by 4 Comments

Dear Evil Skippy:

I took a long lunch break with friends and accidentally drank too much. I thought it was OK to go back to work but the office spy noticed my condition and reported me to management. They told me I could be fired and sent me home for the day, but then they decided to put me on a “last chance agreement” instead. I checked the company rules and there is no mention of alcohol. Do you think it is still fair to discipline me? I wasn’t slurring my speech too much or falling down or anything.

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Congratulations on your remarkable powers of balance and motor control. You must be so proud. Then again, your apparent lack of common sense (thinking it was OK to show up at the job under the influence unless someone told you not to) make me want to start a Kick Starter campaign to fund work with a life coach so you can learn some adult living skills.

Stop complaining and be sure to thank your managers for being patient with you.  Try sending your grown-up Inner Child to happy hour and letting your Inner Adult be the one who shows up at the office — you and your bosses will be so much happier.

— Evil Skippy

P.S.  For future reference, if you are going to sneak back to work after a drinking marathon, the goal is “not slurring your speech at all”. 

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars. For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

The Top Ten Ways To Stop A Co-Worker From Correcting Your Grammar

by 2 Comments

Dear Evil Skippy:

What is a good way to get a co-worker to stop correcting my grammar and pronunciation?

— Brad

Dear Brad:

Stop making mistakes.

That was too easy. Here are nine other ways so I won’t feel like a slacker:

My Top Ten Ways To Stop Someone From Correcting Your Grammar

  1.  Stop making misteaks.
  2. Turn the tables and say, “Which are you relying on, the Chicago Manual of Style or the Gregg Reference Manual?” When the Grammar Bully looks puzzled, ask why you should take his or her word for it when there are real authorities available. Then walk away.
  3. Tasers. Then walk away.
  4. Reply, “Are you making fun of my regional language in violation of the company’s policy against harassment?” Then walk away.
  5. Correct their grammar when they correct you, even if you have to make something up. When they try to object that you are just making things up, mutter that they would never understand and walk away.
  6. Reply, “I bet you were REAL popular in high school.” Then just walk away.
  7. Reply, “O.K. Smarty Pants, what’s the difference between ‘decimated’ and ‘devastated’? Go!” [Wait about three seconds. 87% of the English-speaking population can’t answer that question. After a very brief pause, continue.] “Ha! I knew you were a fake.” Walk away. If they answer the question, walk away.
  8. Tilt your head to one side. Imagine a slightly perplexed golden retriever puppy or bored drag queen and go for one of those looks, then just say “Huh”. Not quite a question, not quite a statement. Deliver in a tone meaning “I don’t understand why you are even speaking right now”. When your neck starts to ache, walk away.
  9. Spontaneously break out in interpretive dance. When the Grammar Bully asks what it means, tell him or her it symbolizes how people who correct others’ grammar in public are asses. Dance away, interpretively.
  10. Ignore them because the lack of any response will drive the person nuts.

Notice that little theme?

— Evil Skippy

Readers — what would you do?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars. For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

When Can I Ask For My Dead Co-Worker’s Desk?

by 1 Comment

Dear Evil Skippy:

Is there a rule of thumb about how long after a co-worker passes away you should wait before asking if you can have his old desk?

— Wondering For A Friend

Dear Wondering:

It depends. If you arranged for your co-worker’s demise, you should never ask for the furniture because that gives you a motive and makes you a suspect. Trust me, I know these things. If you are innocent and/or have an iron-clad alibi, the general rule is you should wait until one hour before any other co-worker asks or has enough nerve to simply implement a self-help switch.

— Evil Skippy

I get it. A co-worker is not exactly a loved one, but you do not want to appear to be crass. So be sneaky.

Tell your boss that you would be glad to help in this difficult time by clearing out the dearly departed person’s desk (use the person’s real name unless you want to sound like you just time travelled here from Victorian England). Say you know it will be a sad task but it needs to be done since there could be important work information stashed away. If you can manage a solitary tear, do so and close the conversation by saying that doing something like this will help you process the feelings of loss.

You will have to complete the extra work, but when you report back to your boss what you found you will have the perfect opportunity to make your real request: “I don’t want to sound like a vulture, but would it be possible to swap desks? I realized when cleaning out [Insert The Right Name Here]’s desk that it is much nicer than the one I have now.” Of course this is an obvious ploy and unless your boss is a dolt, he or she won’t be fooled. However, your boss will also see that you took pains to appear as respectful as possible – and in the workplace, actual conduct is what counts as opposed to what you are merely thinking. You still might not get your wish, but you will have a better chance of being at the front of the line.

Don’t do what one of my ex-colleagues did. Most of us went to the memorial service after a co-worker died and she asked our boss if she could move into the newly-vacant office as we were standing in the receiving line to express our condolences to the family. When the boss chastised her for clumsy timing, she didn’t get it and replied, “What is the big deal? It’s not like he is going to be using it.”

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars. For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

Supervising Made Easier

by 2 Comments

Did you know that Evil Skippy has trained over 1 million managers and supervisors? (Number is approximate).  A common theme is that almost any person truly can develop the necessary skills to become an effective leader in the workplace — you just need a Supervisory Bag of Tricks with snappy comebacks to any situation.

Here (from “Cookies From the Parkside 2”) is Trick No. 248, a line to use when an employee starts heading down the Drama Queen Highway:

17523426_1812592912399210_9209560507425974223_n

 

I Think My Co-Worker Is An Alien

by 1 Comment

Dear Evil Skippy:

What should I do if I suspect my co-worker is an alien?  He is making me suspisious.

— Worried

Dear Worried:

Ask him if he knows my cousin, Ward.  Ward says he was abducted by aliens in 1984 but no one believes him.

—  Evil Skippy

Are you saying you think your co-worker is not a U.S. citizen? Who cares? Unless you think your co-worker is working in the United States illegally, whether or not he is a citizen is none of your business. Your employer is already bound by many laws and regulations that require companies to verify legal status to work and does not need your help. Settle down and do your job.

If you are saying you think your co-worker is from outer space — just keep it to yourself. There is enough weird news these days already without you adding to the mix. You might also want to call a therapist, but I hear they’re busy.

The Top Ten Things To Say When Your Boss Bans You From Foreign Travel

by Leave a Comment

Dear Evil Skippy:

My parents moved to the United States from Iran in 1977.  I was born in the U.S. and served in the U.S. Army.  I currently work in sales for a large pharmaceutical company.  This week, my boss removed me from an international business trip and assigned one of my co-workers to handle the work.  When I asked why, he said it is because he was afraid I would have trouble returning to the country due to the executive order/travel ban.  I explained that I would not be affected — I have a U.S. Passport and am not covered by the ban.  My boss responded, “Better safe than sorry. I would hate it if you could not get back to your family.”

I reported this to upper management and they are handling the situation to my satisfaction.  I am curious though — what would you have said to my boss if you had been me?

—  Bob

Dear Bob:

I could not stop at just one thing, so here is the first Evil Skippy Top Ten of 2017.

The Top Ten Things To Say When Your Boss Bans You From Foreign Travel

  1. “You would not say that if you knew my family.”
  2. “I better start working from home effective immediately since so many people die on the road while commuting. Better safe than sorry.”
  3. “Would you please say that again so I can record it for Human Resources? That way we can skip the investigation part.
  4. [Look back and forth and up and down until your boss asks what you’re doing] “I know you are not stupid enough to say what you just said, so there must be a hidden camera somewhere.”
  5. “Before you get yourself and the company sued for national origin discrimination, perhaps you should stop being a manager.  You know, ‘Better safe than sorry’.
  6. “Which part of ‘I am a U.S. citizen’ are you having trouble wrapping your brain around?”
  7. “Your concern for my family’s welfare is nice. Your understanding of the Constitution needs some work.”
  8. “Let me call my platoon sergeant and a few of my Army buddies and have them come here for a little chat with you.” 
  9. “How long have you been practicing Alternative Management?”
  10. “Safe is for losers. You of all people should know that.”

Choose one, choose them all.  Happy travels.

—  Evil Skippy

‘Twas the Day Before the Day Before Christmas — An Evil Skippy Poem

by Leave a Comment

images-201

‘Twas the Day Before Christmas

(Almost)

(With sincere apologies to Clement Moore)

‘Twas the day before Christmas and all ‘round the nation,

No workers were working, they were all on vacation –

Or shopping on-line while looking quite busy

So their boss would not notice and throw a big tizzy.

Yet still there was time for some folks to grouse

About certain slurs or a co-working louse.

“Our job is not perfect, so what can we do?”

They cried out for help and for sympathy too.

When what to their wondering eyes should appear

But Evil Skippy himself – they had nothing to fear.

He slapped a few morons and kicked every jerk

Then waved to us all and said, “Get back to work!”