Evil Skippy At Work

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A Top Ten Birthday Wish

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Thanks for your patience as I lived some life without posting here. Yes, Jim is still training and investigating. Yes, Skippy is still zinging. There will even be news soon of an Evil Skippy Road Show — workplace ridiculousness in all its forms brought to the stage at your keynote conferences and retreats. Maybe even a podcast. (“WHAT?! That’s so unique”. — Evil Skippy)

Today really is my birthday. That’s me in the photo turning 62 at midnight last night — onstage doing stand up. I’ve been 62 for over seven and a half hours and I already feel more wise, more sage, more opinionated. Go ahead and ask for my advice — never mind that my main achievement yesterday was picking up a pen with my bare toes and surviving off day-old maple bars.

Before all of you swamp me with requests like every other year for what to give me (besides training and/or stand up bookings — go ahead and send those), please sit down and take a calming breath. Read my list of wishes. Accept that you can’t give me most of what I want. Go for my Wish No. 10 even if you don’t manage any of the others. You’re the best.

My Top Ten Birthday Wishes for 2019

  1. My perfect grandson Tristan, now 2 years old, never stops flashing his biggest smile when he sees me.
  2. A CEO somewhere hires an H.R. Manager who is not and has never been named “Pam”. (Pams — you are awesome but I have so much trouble keeping track of you.)
  3. No one says, “Is it really a good idea for an old white guy to teach Harassment Prevention?” (I’m gay so at least I have that going for me).
  4. People stop blaming the Baby Boomers for everything and look at the real culprits — that “Greatest” Generation. They could have stopped Hitler a lot sooner.
  5. A chance to thank Greta Thurnberg personally for setting an example for the world.
  6. Being able to tell my 20-year old self to listen to all types of music. I almost missed Kid Cudi and Mac Miller. (Oh yeah — buy Microsoft stock too).
  7. An EGOT. For me. Billy Porter is doing just fine on his own.
  8. More people follow my comedy on Twitter and Instagram (@JimWebberLOL).
  9. No offense birthday cake — I want pumpkin pie like Nana Webber used to make for me.
  10. You do something to be kind to a stranger and also something kind for yourself daily. (Yeah, that was two but I’m an old birthday boy so let it go).

My Employee Is Offended By A Devil Tattoo

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Dear Evil Skippy:

One of my employees has a devil tattoo on his lower arm. Another employee complained that this is a display of “Satanism” and it offends her. She is demanding that the employee be required to cover the tattoo at all times. She also says she will file a religious harassment lawsuit if we continue to “force her to be exposed to the devil”. I told her that I was sorry she felt bad but the other employee is within the workplace rules because the tattoo does not violate our dress code. She still says she is going to sue. What would you tell her?

— Supervisor

Dear Supervisor:

I’d tell her to go ahead and sue if she wants to pay for some lawyer’s vacation to Bora Bora. I’d also tell her that if she can’t stop staring at her male co-worker’s bare arm, she should see a therapist and be prepared to be disciplined for sexually harassing him with her unwanted attention. When she says she can’t imagine why you would accuse her of harassment, tell her the devil made you do it.

— Evil Skippy

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  You can also follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

How To Solve Your Problems (Or At Least One Of Them)

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Dear, Dear Readers:

Evil Skippy is branching out. Now, not only can you seek his wisdom about your workplace traumas — you can ask for advice about anything that life throws at you. Daddy issues? Bring ’em. Your sister stole your boyfriend? We can help. Don’t know how to handle Uncle Burt at the next reunion? You’re covered.

Better yet, for the first time ever you can get the wisdom of Two Webbers at the same time. My daughter Claire will be joining me dispensing advice + comedy in “Family Affairs.” It’s a live show in the works; it’s a future podcast — and you can get in on the ground floor.

Send your question(s) to “Dear Claire and Her Dad”, [email protected] and why not follow me on Twitter (@JimWebberLOL) while you’re at it?

Many thanks,

Jim

Open Door Policies + Bathrooms: Part Two

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Dear Evil Skippy –

Your advice to “Reaching Wit’s End” this week gave great advice for supervisors, but what about when it’s your boss who is invading your bathroom privacy?  Almost every time I go into the bathroom, she calls.  It drives me nuts.  What can I do?

–  Going Crazy

Dear Going Crazy –

Don’t answer.  Duh.

–  Evil Skippy

I can’t add much to Evil Skippy’s advice, although I might have kept the “duh” to myself.  Maybe.

Unless your supervisor is watching for you to go into the restroom and then dialing, the calls may simply be a matter of awkward coincidence.  Return the messages promptly and you will probably never have to talk about bathroom time with her.  You want some of her calls to go to voicemail anyway.  If you always answer, she will soon start thinking that you must not be very busy and there go your future raises and promotions.

If your supervisor does challenge your failure to answer calls while in the restroom, inform her that Good Housekeeping and the International Center for Bathroom Etiquette are on your side.

Then start looking for another job.  Life is too short to work for a wing nut like that.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  You can also follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

Open Door Policies + Bathrooms: Yikes

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Dear Evil Skippy –

My management team and I are having a heck of a time weaning our employees off of being overly dependent on us.  They need help for every little thing they do. It has got to the point where they will hunt me down while I’m using the bathroom to ask me a question! As you can imagine it makes it quite awkward to explain a process that takes about a couple of minutes while I am indisposed and trying to take care of my own business. I acknowledge the fact that since I work retail I will always have younger employees but I don’t remember being THAT dependent for help when I was starting out! How do I wean them off of always asking for help with even simple tasks and while not putting off the vibe that I’m unwilling to assist them when they truly need it?

-Reaching Wit’s End

Evil Skippy’s Five Suggestions for “Reaching Wit’s End”

  1. Revise your open door policy to clarify that it does not apply to the restroom.   Be specific.  Bold, all caps, extra large font saying “THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO THE BATHROOM” might suffice.
  2. Pretend you can’t hear.  Once you return to the work area (the employee may be following and jabbering the whole way), miraculously regain your hearing and say, “Due to a rare genetic condition, I become deaf whenever I am in a restroom.  Were you saying something?”
  3. If you are in a stall with the door closed when the intruder strikes, manufacture bodily function noises.  Loud ones.  Ask any ten year old boy how to do so, or you can buy noise machines on-line.
  4. Wait for the employee to go into the restroom.  Count to ten, slowly, then go in and say, “Is now a good time to give you your evaluation?” 
  5. Avoid the restroom when at work.  How?  Two words:  Stadium Pal.

Once again, Evil Skippy’s ideas are tempting.

Here’s a better plan.  Talk to the intrusive employees one by one in private (but not in the restroom.  That would be confusing due to the message you will impart).  You’ll say something like this:

It’s been great that you haven’t hesitated to ask for my opinion or advice about things as you’ve been learning the job. However, you are now at the point where you should no longer need to ask about routine things or questions that can easily be answered with our resources such as [insert your operations’ examples here].  I don’t want to discourage questions, but the questions should just be about things that you are not able to resolve on your own.

While we are on the topic of questions, I know that I told you when you first started that I am always available for them.  I’ve realized that I went too far when I said that.   I don’t want to take questions when I am in the restroom, OK?   Great.  I’m glad you understand.

After these conversations, include the employees’ progress toward more independence in their evaluations.  Also, after the employees’ successes (or failures), make use of the coaching and documentation techniques described in Evil Skippy at Work’s article “Daily Performance Management – ‘I.T.S.’ Fundamental”, here.

I hope this helps and that all your future bathroom breaks are private ones.Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  You can also follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

Evil Skippy’s Guide To Inspirational Literature

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I am assembling a reading list for managers and supervisors. What books would you put on the list? Do you have favorite inspirational quotes?

— Reader

Dear Reader:

The most useful book for anyone with co-workers is “The Book of Poisons” by Serita Stevens and Anne Bannon. It’s exactly what one needs if you really need to know how dangerous a particular poison is, where it can be found, how quickly it takes effect and whether there is an antidote (in case you have a pang of remorse at the very last moment).

I prefer memorable opening lines to “inspirational quotes”. Here are a few of my favorites, edited for the workplace:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife getting paid more than a single woman in the same job. — With Apologies to Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813)

Happy  families workplaces are all alike; every unhappy  family workplace is unhappy in its own way. — With Apologies to Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (1877)

It was the best if times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair – it was once again time for performance evaluations. –– With Apologies to Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities (1859)

Someone must have slandered Josef K., for one morning, without having done anything truly wrong, he was sent to Human Resources. — With Apologies to Franz Kafka, The Trial (1925)

When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton – except for that one woman who complained to Human Resources and wrote to Evil Skippy because no one had remembered her birthday the month before.  — With Apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings (1955)

— Evil Skippy

I bet you did not know ES was so literate did you? Now it is time for you to show off your literary genius. What books or quotations do you recommend to Reader?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  You can also follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

Evil Skippy’s Top Ten Ways To Stop Someone From Correcting Your Grammar

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Dear Evil Skippy:

What is a good way to get a co-worker to stop correcting my grammar and pronunciation?

— Brad


Dear Brad:

Stop making mistakes.

(That was too easy. Here are nine other ways so I won’t feel like a slacker):

My Top Ten Ways To Stop Someone From Correcting Your Grammar

  1. Stop making misteaks.
  2. Turn the tables and say, “Which are you relying on, the Chicago Manual of Style or the Gregg Reference Manual?” When the Grammar Bully looks puzzled, ask why you should take his or her word for it when there are real authorities available. Then walk away.
  3. Tasers. Then walk away.
  4. Reply, “Are you making fun of my regional language in violation of the company’s policy against harassment?” Then walk away.
  5. Correct their grammar when they correct you, even if you have to make something up. When they try to object that you are just making things up, mutter that they would never understand and walk away.
  6. Reply, “I bet you were REAL popular in high school.” Then just walk away.
  7. Reply, “O.K. Smarty Pants, what’s the difference between ‘decimated’ and ‘devastated’? Go!” [Wait about three seconds. 87% of the English-speaking population can’t answer that question. After a very brief pause, continue.] “Ha! I knew you were a fake.” Walk away. If they answer the question, walk away.
  8. Tilt your head to one side. Imagine a slightly perplexed golden retriever puppy or bored drag queen and go for one of those looks, then just say “Huh”. Not quite a question, not quite a statement. Deliver in a tone meaning “I don’t understand why you are even speaking right now”. When your neck starts to ache, walk away.
  9. Spontaneously break out in interpretive dance. When the Grammar Bully asks what it means, tell him or her it symbolizes how people who correct others’ grammar in public are asses. Dance away, interpretively.
  10. Ignore them because the lack of any response will drive the person nuts.

Notice that little theme? Now, walk away.

— Evil Skippy

Readers — what would you do?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  You can also follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

The Top Ten People I Want To Slap

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One of the most disappointing things to me (so far) about our modern age (other than current politics) is that we do not have personal jetpacks for dashing around town. Pollution-free, of course. As a child growing up watching The Jetsons (and a grown-up who to this day learns most of his science from cartoons), I truly thought we would have jetpacks by now.

And time travel! We were promised time travel!

Which makes me think. . . about how I would love to go back in time and slap some people from my professional past.

Here’s my top ten:

  1. The boss who failed to come into the office due to a “really bad sliver” after previously expressing great disappointment when I did not rise from my bed in an emergency room to join her at a meeting.
  2. The applicant who tried to kill me and – I admit it – I also want to slap the receptionist in that same story.
  3. That was two.
  4. The co-worker who heated up cod and halibut – not so fresh cod and halibut – in the microwave.
  5. The co-presenter who did not stop talking.
  6. The person who convinced me that a class just about public records retention could be “fun”. (I tried. It wasn’t).
  7. The co-worker who stole my Girl Scout cookies, whoever you are.
  8. The boss who required twenty-year old me to walk drunk ladies to their remotely-parked cars (many of whom groped me and made suggestions that shocked my young ears) – and who later I found out was accepting five dollar tips from these ladies for assigning me to the task.
  9. The co-worker who thought baking a potluck casserole while also using spray-on oven cleaner was “efficient”.
  10. The new supervisor who told me it was wonderful that I was “not good looking” because now everyone knew that he hired based on quality.

Who would you go back and slap? Do tell.

P.S. I just realized that one person made the list twice. That’s a Double Slap! Can anyone guess which two match?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  You can also follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

A Cannabis Store Scares My Employee

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I manage a small professional office in Washington state.  A licensed marijuana store opened a few doors down from our office. One of my employees is now demanding that she be able to work from home because the “criminal element” that has moved in makes her feel unsafe. I think my employee’s request is weird and unreasonable. How would you handle it?

— Supervisor

Dear Supervisor:

It sounds as though your employee really needs to learn how to relax and stop being so tense. Gosh. I wonder what she might be able to use to chill for a bit?

— Evil Skippy

P.S. Your employee sounds like a no-fun buzz-kill. Consider letting her work from home just so you don’t have to be around her.

As a supervisor, it is your responsibility to address employee safety concerns in a thorough and professional manner. That means you need more information. Ask your employee right away if anything other than the fact that the store opened is making her feel unsafe. Press her for factual details as opposed to vague feelings. Be respectful and document whatever she says.

If there is no other factual reason for her fear other than the mere presence of Marijuana Mart, gently and respectfully inform her that the existence of a legally-licensed business does not constitute criminal activity or a reasonable basis for adjusting normal office procedures. Show her a dictionary if necessary and look up the words “crime” and “criminal”. Emphasize to your employee that you want to hear about any actual future (or past) events that feel threatening to her, but for now there are no actions that the company needs to take in the interest of safety and security. Treat her with kindness and respect – but if she keeps complaining about the same thing, tell her to stop talking and do her job if she wants to keep the job.

Readers – how would you handle this one if you were the boss?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  Follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL

The No. 1 Way To Stop Workplace Harassment

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Dear Evil Skippy:

In your opinion, what is the number one thing employers can do to prevent harassment in the workplace?

            — Curious

Dear Curious:

Refrain from hiring jerks.

            — Evil Skippy

Evil Skippy and I agree with this one, although “jerk” may be subject to interpretation. I am calling someone a jerk if they do not treat all other people in the worjplace with respect and dignity.

Readers – what would you say is the Number One thing employers can do to prevent workplace harassment? (Tell your friends to respond, too. ES loves attention.)

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar. Follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.