Evil Skippy At Work

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Evil Skippy’s Guide To Inspirational Literature

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I am assembling a reading list for managers and supervisors. What books would you put on the list? Do you have favorite inspirational quotes?

— Reader

Dear Reader:

The most useful book for anyone with co-workers is “The Book of Poisons” by Serita Stevens and Anne Bannon. It’s exactly what one needs if you really need to know how dangerous a particular poison is, where it can be found, how quickly it takes effect and whether there is an antidote (in case you have a pang of remorse at the very last moment).

I prefer memorable opening lines to “inspirational quotes”. Here are a few of my favorites, edited for the workplace:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife getting paid more than a single woman in the same job. — With Apologies to Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813)

Happy  families workplaces are all alike; every unhappy  family workplace is unhappy in its own way. — With Apologies to Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (1877)

It was the best if times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair – it was once again time for performance evaluations. –– With Apologies to Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities (1859)

Someone must have slandered Josef K., for one morning, without having done anything truly wrong, he was sent to Human Resources. — With Apologies to Franz Kafka, The Trial (1925)

When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton – except for that one woman who complained to Human Resources and wrote to Evil Skippy because no one had remembered her birthday the month before.  — With Apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings (1955)

— Evil Skippy

I bet you did not know ES was so literate did you? Now it is time for you to show off your literary genius. What books or quotations do you recommend to Reader?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  You can also follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

Evil Skippy’s Top Ten Ways To Stop Someone From Correcting Your Grammar

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Dear Evil Skippy:

What is a good way to get a co-worker to stop correcting my grammar and pronunciation?

— Brad


Dear Brad:

Stop making mistakes.

(That was too easy. Here are nine other ways so I won’t feel like a slacker):

My Top Ten Ways To Stop Someone From Correcting Your Grammar

  1. Stop making misteaks.
  2. Turn the tables and say, “Which are you relying on, the Chicago Manual of Style or the Gregg Reference Manual?” When the Grammar Bully looks puzzled, ask why you should take his or her word for it when there are real authorities available. Then walk away.
  3. Tasers. Then walk away.
  4. Reply, “Are you making fun of my regional language in violation of the company’s policy against harassment?” Then walk away.
  5. Correct their grammar when they correct you, even if you have to make something up. When they try to object that you are just making things up, mutter that they would never understand and walk away.
  6. Reply, “I bet you were REAL popular in high school.” Then just walk away.
  7. Reply, “O.K. Smarty Pants, what’s the difference between ‘decimated’ and ‘devastated’? Go!” [Wait about three seconds. 87% of the English-speaking population can’t answer that question. After a very brief pause, continue.] “Ha! I knew you were a fake.” Walk away. If they answer the question, walk away.
  8. Tilt your head to one side. Imagine a slightly perplexed golden retriever puppy or bored drag queen and go for one of those looks, then just say “Huh”. Not quite a question, not quite a statement. Deliver in a tone meaning “I don’t understand why you are even speaking right now”. When your neck starts to ache, walk away.
  9. Spontaneously break out in interpretive dance. When the Grammar Bully asks what it means, tell him or her it symbolizes how people who correct others’ grammar in public are asses. Dance away, interpretively.
  10. Ignore them because the lack of any response will drive the person nuts.

Notice that little theme? Now, walk away.

— Evil Skippy

Readers — what would you do?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  You can also follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

The Top Ten People I Want To Slap

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One of the most disappointing things to me (so far) about our modern age (other than current politics) is that we do not have personal jetpacks for dashing around town. Pollution-free, of course. As a child growing up watching The Jetsons (and a grown-up who to this day learns most of his science from cartoons), I truly thought we would have jetpacks by now.

And time travel! We were promised time travel!

Which makes me think. . . about how I would love to go back in time and slap some people from my professional past.

Here’s my top ten:

  1. The boss who failed to come into the office due to a “really bad sliver” after previously expressing great disappointment when I did not rise from my bed in an emergency room to join her at a meeting.
  2. The applicant who tried to kill me and – I admit it – I also want to slap the receptionist in that same story.
  3. That was two.
  4. The co-worker who heated up cod and halibut – not so fresh cod and halibut – in the microwave.
  5. The co-presenter who did not stop talking.
  6. The person who convinced me that a class just about public records retention could be “fun”. (I tried. It wasn’t).
  7. The co-worker who stole my Girl Scout cookies, whoever you are.
  8. The boss who required twenty-year old me to walk drunk ladies to their remotely-parked cars (many of whom groped me and made suggestions that shocked my young ears) – and who later I found out was accepting five dollar tips from these ladies for assigning me to the task.
  9. The co-worker who thought baking a potluck casserole while also using spray-on oven cleaner was “efficient”.
  10. The new supervisor who told me it was wonderful that I was “not good looking” because now everyone knew that he hired based on quality.

Who would you go back and slap? Do tell.

P.S. I just realized that one person made the list twice. That’s a Double Slap! Can anyone guess which two match?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  You can also follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

A Cannabis Store Scares My Employee

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I manage a small professional office in Washington state.  A licensed marijuana store opened a few doors down from our office. One of my employees is now demanding that she be able to work from home because the “criminal element” that has moved in makes her feel unsafe. I think my employee’s request is weird and unreasonable. How would you handle it?

— Supervisor

Dear Supervisor:

It sounds as though your employee really needs to learn how to relax and stop being so tense. Gosh. I wonder what she might be able to use to chill for a bit?

— Evil Skippy

P.S. Your employee sounds like a no-fun buzz-kill. Consider letting her work from home just so you don’t have to be around her.

As a supervisor, it is your responsibility to address employee safety concerns in a thorough and professional manner. That means you need more information. Ask your employee right away if anything other than the fact that the store opened is making her feel unsafe. Press her for factual details as opposed to vague feelings. Be respectful and document whatever she says.

If there is no other factual reason for her fear other than the mere presence of Marijuana Mart, gently and respectfully inform her that the existence of a legally-licensed business does not constitute criminal activity or a reasonable basis for adjusting normal office procedures. Show her a dictionary if necessary and look up the words “crime” and “criminal”. Emphasize to your employee that you want to hear about any actual future (or past) events that feel threatening to her, but for now there are no actions that the company needs to take in the interest of safety and security. Treat her with kindness and respect – but if she keeps complaining about the same thing, tell her to stop talking and do her job if she wants to keep the job.

Readers – how would you handle this one if you were the boss?

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  Follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL

The No. 1 Way To Stop Workplace Harassment

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Dear Evil Skippy:

In your opinion, what is the number one thing employers can do to prevent harassment in the workplace?

            — Curious

Dear Curious:

Refrain from hiring jerks.

            — Evil Skippy

Evil Skippy and I agree with this one, although “jerk” may be subject to interpretation. I am calling someone a jerk if they do not treat all other people in the worjplace with respect and dignity.

Readers – what would you say is the Number One thing employers can do to prevent workplace harassment? (Tell your friends to respond, too. ES loves attention.)

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar. Follow Jim’s comedy career on Twitter @JimWebberLOL.

Is Yoga Evil, Skippy?

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Dear Evil Skippy:

My employer offers a lot of on-site perks, including a gym where we can exercise before or after work.  They bring in instructors for group classes during the lunch break for anyone who wants to sign up.  One of the most popular sessions is yoga.  The class is now in danger because one of our co-workers claims that it is satanic and violates her religion.  She is telling everyone that she will file a federal lawsuit unless the classes are ended.  I thought she was nuts, but she brought in an article by some religious leader who agrees with her and now there is a rumor going around that the company is seriously thinking about stopping the yoga class.  Does management have to do what the crazy lady says?  What can we do?

                  —  Save My Karma

Dear Save My Karma –

Take a deep cleansing breath, then slap her.

                  —  Evil Skippy

No, no, no.  Repeat after me:  Slapping is wrong.  Slapping is wrong.  Tempting, but wrong.

You need to find a way to respect your co-worker’s right to think whatever she wants to think.   Respecting her does not mean doing what she demands — it means not calling her names or making fun of her personal beliefs.  Hopefully, your management already knows that the only accommodation that must be offered to her is a reasonable one.  In your case, it means that the company should not force your co-worker to participate in a yoga class or any yoga practices.   There is no need to cancel the classes and deny the rest of you your exercise.

Meanwhile, do not let rumors run your emotions.  Ask to speak with your Human Resources Director or whoever is in charge of setting up the lunchtime classes.  Find out if there really is a chance that yoga will be canceled.  Perhaps you are worried about nothing.  If the class is in jeopardy, get creative.  Start a petition (one to save the class, not to slap anyone).  Invite the decision-maker to sit in on a class to see first-hand that you are just doing yoga, not summoning hordes of little devils.  (Of course, this plan will fail if you actually are engaged in demon worship as you stretch).

Above all, stay calm and rationale.  You should be good at that after all your classes.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.  You can also follow Jim’s comedy career @JimWebberLOL.

How To Be A Harassment Trainer: Part One

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Dear Readers:

Over the years, many people have asked how they might be able to enter the exciting and lucrative world of Harassment Prevention Training. We hear you. We’ll tell all, just Not Today. Instead, let’s start with a teaser, Part One of my new course now in the production and planning stage: “#YouToo Can Be A Harassment Trainer”. 

Enjoy,

Evil Skippy and Jim

The Top Ten Reasons To Be A Harassment Trainer

  1. People attend harassment training with very low expectations – so you will be able to meet them.
  2. You can say things like “sex”, “sexual”, “grope” and “ho” without apology.
  3. Nothing makes one smile quite like pointing at the daydreaming person in the back row and saying, “Tell the class what you think about what we’ve been discussing.”
  4. For the love and warmth class members extend to you – if you end class early.
  5. Lots of practice at keeping a “poker face” thanks to inane questions and borderline racist comments from people explaining why they are not at all racist.
  6. If you pace, you can get most of your daily step goal completed while you work.
  7. To keep PowerPoint alive.
  8. It pays better and is more dependable than stand-up comedy or being a barista.
  9. No one will hire you now that you’re old.
  10. The excitement of travel to far flung destinations like Yakima, Indianapolis and Walla Walla.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar. You can also follow Jim’s comedy @JimWebberLOL.

Should I Report My Co-Worker’s Hangover?

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Dear Evil Skippy:

If you think a co-worker has a hangover, is it something that should be reported to the boss in case it is a drinking problem?

—  Concerned

Dear Concerned:

Wow.  With people like you around, who needs to worry about the NSA? The only thing you need to report to your boss is your status as a busy body. 

Slap yourself and mind your own business.  Besides, it might not even be a hangover.  Your co-worker might just turn green and feel a little ill every time he or she sees you approaching whether or not there was any partying the night before.

—  Evil Skippy

Unless your co-worker is actually doing something he or she should not be doing (or failing to do something he is supposed to be doing), you have nothing to report.   Move on and focus on your job instead of your co-workers’ private lives.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar. You can also follow Jim’s stand-up comedy at @JimWebberLOL.

My Boss Is Mad Because I Complained About Harassment

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I was concerned about a co-worker who was being mean to everyone.  I hit my breaking point one day when my supervisor was gone for the afternoon. I filed a harassment complaint with our human resources department since my boss was away. He told me the next day that he is very unhappy that I went “over his head” and said he does not appreciate being made to look bad. I tried to explain that I did not intend to circumvent him, but he still seems annoyed at me. How can I smooth things over with him so we can get back like we were?

— Squirming

Dear Squirming:

Little gifts are a great way to smooth things over when emotions run high. I suggest buying your supervisor a really nice pacifier since he is acting like a big baby. Tell him that I said no one is making him look bad because he is managing to do that all by himself.  In other words, you should be slapping instead of smoothing. 

Better yet, send him my way so I can slap him.  It’s been a while and I need to stay in practice. I’ll also tell him to leave his inner child at home and let his inner adult come to work.

—  Evil Skippy

You are protected from retaliation after reporting suspected harassment in the workplace. Period. This includes protection from adverse treatment by a supervisor who is in a snit over the way you submitted your concerns to management. Ironically, your best option if your supervisor continues to hold a grudge is to talk to Human Resources again. Explain what is happening and make it clear that you are not thrilled about having to make another report because your boss will probably be even madder than he was before. I understand that this will be stressful for you. However, your boss sounds like an immature dolt and he needs to be held accountable, just not by you. (Employees should not have to supervise their own supervisor). The only way management can hold him accountable is if they know what he is doing. That’s why you have to tell them if this is an ongoing problem.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.

The Top Ten Attributes of Successful Human Resources Professionals

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Dear Evil Skippy:

I applied for a transfer/promotion into our Human Resources Department. Other than knowledge of employment regulations and the like, what do you think are the top ten attributes of effective human resources professionals?

Thanks,

A Fan

Dear Fan:

Your wish is granted. Perhaps you should aim higher next time — maybe wish to win the lottery?

Love forever,

Evil Skippy

The Top Ten Attributes of Effective Human Resources Professionals

1. The ability to express “No,” “Not now,” and “Scram.”

2.  That rare balance of a sense of humor combined with the self-control to not so much as crack the barest hint of a smile at inappropriate moments.

3.  A small army of reliable caterers on speed dial for last minute lunch meetings and client receptions.

4.  Knows at least three different ways to exit the building without being seen.

5.  A health insurance plan that includes mental health counseling on demand.

6.  Legal counsel who provide advice rather than launch into a 45-minute risk analysis monologue.

7.  A mini-bar.

8.  Tremendous amounts of restraint so you don’t slap multiple people each work day. Keep it down to one.

9.  Mental telepathy and a working crystal ball.

10.  Being named Pam. Seventy-six percent of human resources managers in the U.S. are named Pam and the number is growing. Whatever your gender, change your name to Pam if you want to make it big in Human Resources.

Evil Skippy and/or Jim are available to speak at your conferences and seminars! For information or to send a question for Evil Skippy to answer, use the “Contact” link on the left sidebar.